Ashton Kutcher, is that you?

I just got punked by a priest.
This guy walks into the building, approaches me and completely straight face goes "Good afternoon, I just threw my wife out of the house and I need an annulment." And Im all like "uh...um...ok..." trying to keep my cool in the presence of a clearly unstable man that might lash out at any moment because he obviously has a temper issue and will scream at me until he loses his voice and I start to cry and Im reaching for the phone to call the Family Life office while simultaneously reaching to the lock of the door should he try to get inside unsupervised and then he says "just kidding, Im Father Williams."

FOR REAL?!
So then when I start to laugh nervously while my panic subsides he laughs along with me. So we both shared a good laugh at my expense. Who knew catholics weird/subtly inappropriate sense of humor. Not me.

Who?

This conversation just took place in my ear:

Me: "Archdiocese of Boston."
Old Woman: "Hello?....Hello?"
Me: "Yes?"
Old Woman: "Yes, we would like to talk to.... [to old husband in the background] who do we want to talk to?"
Old Husband in the background: "Damien."
Old woman: "Damien..[to old husband in the background] Damien who?"
Old Husband in the background: "Damien"
Old woman: "Damien...[to old husband in the background] Damien?"
Old Husband in the background: "Damien"
Old woman: "Damien. [to old husband in the background] is that his last name?"
Old Husband in the background: "Damien"
Old woman: "Damien...[to old husband in the background] Damien?"
Old Husband in the background: "Damien"
Old woman: "Damien"

Another call of the Day:

Me: "Archdiocese of Boston"
Man: "Hello, I was wondering has anyone made any comments yet?"
Me: "Im sorry?"
Man: "Has anyone made any comments in regards to what's going on?"
Me: "Im sorry, I dont know what you are referring to."
Man: "No one has made any comments?"
Me: "I don't believe so"
Man: "Well there you have it...there you have it...they just don't care. They just don't care..."
Me: "..............Im sorry sir, would you like to make a comment?"
Man: "Well I was going to but now I see there's no reason to because they just don't care...they just don't care...no body cares.
Me: "................."
Man: "You know they pretend to care, they pretend to think it's a big deal, but you've just told me that they don't you've just proved to me that they don't. And I can't believe that. No body cares!
Me: "Im sorry sir, Im just the receptionist."
Man: "Oh, well, yeah I know but you see they just don't care, you see, it's important to care, you see?"
Me: "Uh-huh"
Man: "And I was going to leave a comment but now I won't bother because no body cares!
Me: "Ok."
Man: "Alright, well you have a good day then"
Me: "You too."

MINE!

My dad had some flowers delivered to me at the Archdiocese in honor of my getting into Grad school (yipeee!) and all day people have been trying to take them down to the Cardinal's office. Just because someone delivered flowers to the Archdiocese doesnt mean they're property of the Cardinal, thank you very much. I'd like to see him get into art school.

Fashion Po-lice

Everyone who works here needs to be on "What Not to Wear." Not the nuns or priests because they obviously can't change their outfits, but everyone else who isnt required to dress a certain way needs to seriously reconsider their level of taste. Or stop shopping at DressBarn. Preferably both. Since all the men who work here are priests, its really the women who are responsible for this disaster. Today one woman was wearing white leggings, neon green socks, black loafers and a long zebra stripped sweater. Last week another woman wore a long skirt sewn together with bright fabric with tiny mirrors glued all over it. Very gypsy-chic circa 1986. Very ugly. Im actually considering having Stacey and Clinton come on my last day and be like "The entire time I worked here, I couldn't believe how ugly all you people dressed, so I brought in the Gay and the Jew to help you! Peace!"

In other news all the Catholic Bostonians are pissed. The pope is in the states and he's completely snubbing Boston because of the whole priest sexual abuse thing that blew up here a few years ago. Apparently the Pope will address the whole sexy scandal when he's in NYC and D.C. but he chose not to come to Boston. What a bastard. AND I might be on the news!! Thats right, when I was driving to work this morning a news crew was set up outside the entrance filming a segment. Look for my Rav-4 with the pro-abortion bumper sticker peeling into the driveway behind the anchor woman on your local news!!! I bet you thought I was going to say they interviewed me or something. Psych!

The womens breakroom will from here on out be refered to as the Red Tent. Props to Ashley for this clever idea.

Very busy and important

So I think some priest did something. You know what I mean. I dont know who and I dont know where or why or when or how or with who or to whom (grammar?) or what, but I know something is going on. Ive gotten a lot of calls for the communications department to make a statement for some media sources and today someone from the New York Post came in and wanted to talk to someone. Bitch wanted to talk to the cardinal. Doesn't she know that she has to have an appointment to talk to the cardinal? And to make such an appointment you have to write a letter first requesting an appointment? And even then he can just say no? Its kind of like a bill becoming a law. Wait, did I just make a political metaphor?!?! Who am I?* Anyways, since no one is telling me anything, I look like such a dumbass whenever anyone asks me about it. I seriously came very close to asking the reporter from the NY Post what was going on. That would have been a great angle for her article. I was also eating cheerios from a zip-lock bag and dicking around on gchat when she came in. Most professional person? Always busy and important? Yes.

*I am someone who only knows this information due to School House Rock. Lolly lolly lolly get your adverbs here?

Dumbass, Party of One?

Number of times someone has:
"blessed" me (either over the phone or in person) - 7
coughed very loudly directly into my ear - 742
called regarding something they can very well google - 64
called about exorcism - 4
yelled at me for no reason - 5
made me feel uncomfortable - 11
assumed that i knew what was going on - 84

Call of the day - some guy with a speech impediment called complaining that his car had gotten towed because he was being an idiot and parked it on some church property. So he went inside the church and complained to the priest there and apparently, according to the douchebag, this priest "laughed in his face." So the d-bag is outraged and wants to talk to someone about the "rudest thing that has ever happened" to him and even goes so far as to threaten to go the "the press." Whats funny to me is that Mr.D-bag thinks that the press would jump at the chance to get wind of this story. I think the Catholic Church has bigger fish to fry then your Honda Civic getting towed and a priest who recognizes stupidity when he sees it. By thats just my opinion.

Religious Romance

I recently had the joyous opportunity of checking out the bookshelf in the womens breakroom. Holy Virgin Mary, there are soooooooooooooo many romance novels. Like, one entire shelf was completely devoted to romance novels. Is this Catholic porn? Im very tempted to take some up to my office to read. I figure it will be an excellent statement to those people who have never been to the Archdiocese before and the first thing they see is the receptionist reading "Master of Seduction" or "Lord of Avalon: Swords of Darkness 2" Of course theres also "No Daddy, Don't: A Fathers Murderous Act of Revenge" the John Battaglia Jr. heartfelt abuse story (irony?). So many choices!! I should start an Archdiocese bookclub. That way all the 50 yr old + women and I can talk about sex. Nice, Catholic sex though. And abuse. Not Catholic abuse though.

Overheard in the Archdiocese of Boston.com:
"Oh speak of the Devil, hello Sister Maryanne! Well, not the Devil, but you know..."

I HAVE CANCER!

All the crazies are coming out in full force this week. Crazy number one called me yesterday around 4pm because she wanted to know if the contact list on the Archdiocese website was going to be updated anytime soon. No problem, let me just transfer your call to someone who (doesnt) care. She bounces back to me and says theres a recording and wants to talk to a human being. Don't we all. So I transfer her to the help desk. No dice. By this time shes pissed. She's one of those people who sounds pissed off to being with and now shes all worked up and ready to go. And she's going for me. So she yells at me and says shes a paying parishoner and shes calling long distance, but then it gets kind of hard to hear her because I start playing my tiny violin and weeping softly into the phone. So I politely tell her its not my problem and transfer her to someone else, I dont remember who. Right after this happens, the Help Desk calls and tells me that I should give her to communications. Oops! She comes back, more yelling, calls me an idiot and something else very rude and hurtful to my feelings so I cut her throat with kindness and transfer her to communications. Uh oh, she's back! "Can you do anything right?!" she asks me. NO! At this point, I have to say, Im having some fun. My days are pretty quiet around her and the thought of making my own sadistic fun and transferring her to lines I know are recordings are extremely tempting. However, I would like to keep getting paid and theres another call coming in, so I just transfer her to some random priest because Im thinking she can't possibly yell at him. Especially if she's a paying parishoner.

Crazy number two came a-calling today. This guy was a mess. He calls up from Texas and gives me his sob story about how he's calling on behalf of a very sick old lady who is tots obvi about to kick it and he knows this guy who works with this guy who is friends with this guy and they are very important people (voice rises) and he's been trying to get this necklace blessed by the pope (angry voice) and he's been leaving countless messages (very angry) and he is RETIRED but is used to GETTING THINGS DONE and this woman is very sick and he is willing to pay $5,000 for something and he is TIRED and he WANTS TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND HE HAS CANCER!!!!!!!!! um, ok. Let me transfer your call, one moment please.

Also, someone just called and put me on hold. what?

April Foolz

Its April Fool's Day here at the Archdiocese of Boston! In honor of this, the holiest of days, I will share a list of all the pranks I have played on my fellow co-workers here today

1. Instead of my usual heartfelt "Archdiocese of Boston," greeting, today I say "Good Morning, God is dead."
2. Occasionally I'll call random priests and say "Father Hennessey, Judas is on line 3" or "Father O'Grady, the Virgin Mary is here in the waiting room for you"
3. Ive replaced all the wafers with oreos and the wine with diet coke.
4. Ive come to work dressed as a hooker
5. Ive left tampons with ketchup in the womens bathrooms
6. Ive snuck unto random offices and written "abortion day" in red pen on the calendars
7. Ive ordered a singing telegram dressed as Jesus (crucifixion Jesus complete with thorny crown, stigmata and cross) to come around 230pm
8. Ive changed some computer desktops to pictures of the Devil and some with "the world's ugliest dog" (google it if you've never seen that shit before)
9. Ive told my fellow employees that I want to be converted to Catholicism
10. And the classic, Ive put saran wrap on all the toilets. ALL the toilets. Yes, even the cardinals.

Happy April Fools Day!